Mmm-MMM! That is one tasty muffin!

These muffins got their profane name after I described the muffins I was about to make as being "all fuckin' full of grains and fruit and yogurt and shit." (Note: Reading this sentence off the page makes these muffins sound more disturbing than they are.)

These are selections from an actual IM conversation with my boyfriend after he tried the muffins in question:

"Are these just whole-ass blueberries up in these motherfuckers?"

SHIT YES, MOTHERFUCKER!

"Holy fuck! Moist. Squishy. Blueberry-y. But with a hint of millet crunch. Pretty goddamned fantastic muffin."

I think the millet really helps to keep it not become over-moist and provides necessary texture. And fucking blueberries rock. And there's flax seed pureed into there too, so there's all that healthy Omega-3 shit inside!

"OH MY FUCK! So healthy!"

So now without further ado...


Healthy Motherfucking Muffins

[photo to come]

Ingredients:
1 3/4 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup quinoa flakes
1/4 cup millet
1/2 cup raw sugar
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
zest of 1 lemon
1 apple, cored and roughly chopped
1/4 cup flax seeds1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 cups 2% Greek yogurt
1 cup blueberries, fresh
sliced almonds for topping, optional

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 400°F. Lightly grease the cups of a standard muffin pan; or line with paper baking cups, and grease the paper cups.

Mix together flour, quinoa flakes, millet, sugar, salt, baking powder, baking soda, and lemon zest.

Place apple and flax seeds in a blender with 3/4 cup water, and blend until smooth. Add in the yogurt and vanilla, and pulse blender until mixed.

Pour the blender contents into the dry ingredients, stirring just to combine. Fold in blueberries.

Spoon the batter into the prepared muffin cups, filling them nearly full. A slightly heaped muffin scoop of batter is the right amount. Sprinkle the tops of the muffins with almonds, if desired.

Bake the muffins for 25 minutes minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the middle of one of the center muffins comes out clean.

Remove the muffins from the oven, and after 5 minutes (or when they're cool enough to handle) transfer them to a rack to cool. Serve warm, or at room temperature.

Yield: 12 muffins.

Seedy, Cheesy, and Just the Way I Like It

I love me some savory pastries. Especially ones with cheese. Sweet jesus, YES CHEESE. But I also recognize that I need to balance out my own personal cheese-loving tendencies with healthier ones. Hence, this recipe was born.

I cobbled together a few different recipes, using this one from the NY Times as a base while adding in elements I liked from other recipes (quinoa flakes and, of course, cheese). And since I was adding cheese, I slashed the sugar considerably and cut the vanilla. And lo 'n behold, they turned out pretty goddamn awesome.

(Note: When I made these, I added more water than I needed, resulting in a need to add a BUNCH more flour when rolling out the mad-sticky dough. I have adjusted the amount accordingly and the 2 tbsp. listed below should be just peachy.)

Seedy Cheese Scones

2.5 oz AP flour (plus more used while working)
2.5 oz cake flour
2 oz quinoa flakes
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2 tablespoons raw sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 ounces (6 tablespoons) cold unsalted butter
2/3 cup yogurt + 2 tablespoons water
6 tablespoons mixed seeds/grains (I used sunflower, poppy, and millet)
2 oz. grated cheddar

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Line a baking sheet with parchment.
2. Sift together the flours, flakes, baking powder, baking soda, sugar and salt. Place in a food processor fitted with the steel blade and cut in the butter until the mixture is crumbly.
3. Combine the yogurt and water, add to the flour mixture, and pulse processor til mixed. Stop the machine and add the seeds. Pulse a few times to combine. Add the cheese; pulse to mix.
4. Flour your hands as well as your work surface, and scrape out the dough. Gently shape into a rectangle 1 inch thick. Cut into 6 squares, then cut the squares diagonally to give you 12 triangular scones. The dough may be sticky; add a little more flour as needed to make it workable.

5. Place the scones on the baking sheet about 1 inch apart and bake 15(+) minutes, or until lightly browned. Remove from the heat and allow to cool, or serve warm.

Yield: 12 scones

Next time, I'll likely try using a tad less butter, actually use the amount of water listed above, and have whole wheat flour on hand to swap out for the AP stuff. But considering how fast and loose I played with this recipe without having tested it, I'm pretty pleased with myself.