Old and Fat

I feel old and fat and no amount of other people saying "Dude, you're not fat" or reminding me that I'm only 29 can quell it.

(Sidenote: Has this ever helped? Has the response ever been, "Whew! Thank goodness!" I'm not saying I AM fat; I'm saying I feel fat. I know it's in my brain and not my ass but I can't shake it -- the feeling, not my ass.)

*sigh*

I'm blaming the new year.

For some reason, the impending New Year (spellcheck says it should be capped, y'all) has me in a state of self-doubt I haven't seen since my birthday (*cough only 3 months ago cough*). I think this whole year leading up to my 30th birthday is just going to be one long string of anxiety over feeling like I'm aging but not growing up.

Not that this is even outside the norm these days. One of my very favorite websites is written by a group of ladies who appear to always be barraged by others deeming them immature, irresponsible, etc. Which is probably why I love it all so much. Then there's "Young Adult," with Charlize repping for all the lady-girls out there.

But back to me. (FOCUS.)

When I hit 29, I was like "This is it, homes. Last year of your 20's. You better look hot while you can because it's all downhill from here." I can practically feel my metabolism slowing down as I type these words. I've begun to notice a permanent crinkle in my face that isn't related to speaking or smiling (them lines ain't going NOWHERE) or raising my eyebrows in surprise/disdain; it is an inner eyebrow crinkle that is distinctly from excessive squinting and brow-furrowing, much of which I blame on the years I spent avoiding wearing my glasses. Now I'm stuck between my deeply-ingrained lazy ways and my desire to retain my youthful (?) good looks (??) -- I'll obsess much of the day over whether or not to start using a night cream, eye cream, serum (I don't know what serums do, WHAT ARE THEY?), but by the time I'm zonked enough to crash, I'll usually fall asleep with a full face of makeup as per usual.

By the way, I feel like the people who market those face creams are FULLY aware of this kind of paranoid insecurity and how much sway it hold over us when they come up with the pricing. I'm super-cheap and still youngish, so when I look at these creams, I think "Yes, I'm concerned about this, but I'm not $40-a-jar concerned yet." I'm pretty much under-$20-concerned right now. I'm also embarrassed to purchase these items, mostly because I don't want anyone to comment on my selection. I would rather buy a pile of scandalous underwear, tampons, lube, and condoms than walk up to a register with a jar of something marked "anti-aging."

And as for exercise, I really haven't found something that falls in with my Midwestern frugality (read: brutal cheapness), my inability to stick to a routine, and the aforementioned lazy ways. I tried taking a morning walk around my neighborhood, but after a while I got SO BORED with my stupid neighborhood! So I stopped. I've tried workout DVDs which was OK until a) my stupid, newly-motivated boyfriend started getting up earlier too and puttering around while I follow instructions from the television like an asshole (I should mention at this point that I REALLY HATE having other people watch me exercise, mostly because I'm sure it's hilarious) and b) I got SO BORED with the DVDs. I have one of those trainer-things for my bike, (which looks a bit funny, since it's a cruiser with a basket), so I can bike in my living room -- biking while reading was actually working really well for me, until I started having to spend my early morning time waking up to work on other stuff. (Hey, holidays? Let's get this shit over with already.)

Today I keep seeing mentions of pilates. Pilates? Is that something I want? I don't know. I have a pilates DVD I used for a while, and the best thing I learned from it is that pilates was created by a guy named Joseph Pilates. THERE WAS A JOE PILATES. As in "Who do you think you are, Joe Pilates or something?" That doesn't even really work as a burn because Joe Pilates was a real person. Not to mention the fact that the name Joe Pilates sounds like it belongs to a dude who runs a pizza shop in Queens.

If anyone reads this and has actual suggestions as to what might work for my cheap, lazy, self-conscious, easily-bored self in terms of exercise, tell me.

Enough of this for now...

Things I'm embarrassed to do:

- Enjoy Evian Facial Spray. God, I thought this was stupid when I first saw it. I even got one free in a swag bag that went untouched for eons until I gave it a go. Then I realized how delightful it felt to your skin, when you live in a semi-desert-like climate, to mist your face with tiny droplets of water. Not even just when you're hot. I sit in front of a computer for 8+ hours a day and have found myself sneaking off to the bathroom with my spray hidden to give my face a quick hit of moisture. I can't help feeling like a socialite who just got off an airplane or something when I use it, which makes me feel both ashamed and well-hydrated.

- Try on a pencil skirt at J. Crew. Why? Because the super-fashionable dudes who work there observe and hover around customers (because they're doing their job), and I have a pretty good idea that if I go in there and try one on, it's NOT going to look good on me. Mostly because I'm paranoid, but also because they don't carry petite sizes in-store. So if I try one on, it's going to be too long. And I won't even get a good idea of what actual size I'll need, because the petite sizes are smaller everywhere, not just shorter. SIGH. And so, to spare myself the indignity of looking short and dumpy in a pencil skirt in front of the cool J. Crew employees, I'm just gonna order the petite sucker online.

- Same goes for any vaguely scandalous underwear.

- Take fish oil supplements, not for hearth health, but because I want my skin to be pretty. I'm so vain, I probably think this blog is about me. Which brings me to...

- Be mildly panicking about turning a mere 29. I've started looking at more intensive moisturizers and face care regimens. Luckily, every time I do, my frugality trumps my vanity when I see the prices. YES, I would love a vat of Dr. Perricone's Super Omega face junk. HELL TO THE NO am I paying that much for it. That's why I was super stoked to see some face oils being sold by a DIY blogger I admire for a reasonable price. So I can support her doing work I enjoy and stoke my vanity/self-loathing at the same time.

Enough honesty for today.

Mildly obsessed with DIY nail art

Here's my attempt at a gradient...



In case you're wondering, I painted on the green first, let it dry, then dabbed on the black polish with a makeup sponge (not one of the shiny sides of the sponge, or else chunks may stick to your nail -- my left thumb is a testament to this). Then top coat. BOOM.

This one's for Foodbully!

Alright, after acquiring a killer-sounding chocolate-chip biscotti from a Twitter acquaintance, I mentioned how I was reminded of a really good sounding recipe I stumbled across about 5 years ago in a cookbook an old roommate gave me. She requested said recipe, and so here it is.

I have de-Britished the recipe somewhat, as it was full of terms like "caster sugar," "corn flour," and "scant." (OK, I left in "scant," because I couldn't think of a better word to use and I so seldom get the chance to say/write/type "scant.")


Pecan Toffee Shortbread
from The Cookie and Biscuit Bible

Makes 20

1 tbsp. ground coffee
1 tbsp. near-boiling water
1/2 cup butter, softened
2 tbsp. smooth peanut butter
scant 1/2 cup superfine sugar
2/3 cup cornstarch
1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour

For the topping:
3/4 cup butter
3/4 cup soft light brown sugar
2 tbsp. light corn syrup
1 cup shelled pecans, halved

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and line a 7 x 11" pan with waxed paper.

Put the ground coffee in a small heatproof bowl and pour the hot water over it. Leave to steep for 4 minutes. Strain through a sieve into a bowl. Discard the grounds.

Cream the butter, peanut butter, and coffee until light. Sift the cornstarch and flour together and mix in to make a smooth dough.

Press into the base of the baking pan and prick all over with a fork. Bake for 20 minutes. To make the topping, put the butter, sugar, and syrup in a pan and heat until melted. Bring the mixture to a boil.

Simmer for 5 minutes, then stir in the pecans. Spread the topping evenly over the base. Leave in the pan until cold, then cut into squares or bars. Remove from the pan and serve.

Nail fail.

After attempting a few other nail art projects (and wiping them off immediately thereafter since they looked like hell), I simplified and went with this...



Matt said it looks like a bunch of ellipses.

Having free time tonight, I think I'm gonna apply my ellipsified digits to my neglected ukulele.

(If I write that here, maybe I'll actually do it instead of getting sucked into So You Think You Can Dance.)

The Doctor is In

Some of the recipes I get asked for most often are my cold-busting tea and soup. Both rely heavily on garlic. I'm not sure of the exact scientific reasons behind WHY garlic has the magic touch, but I've heard many accounts of antibacterial and antiviral properties.

The tea was recommended to me by an elderly Chinese lady (who I used to work with at a mortgage company, just to remove any air of mystery or worldliness that might surround that statement). Over the years, I've learned to listen to pretty much whatever old ladies tell me, because the advice is generally fairly good.

For the tea, the concoction is pretty simple:

1. Smash a clove of garlic with the side of a big knife; discard the skin.

2. Pop the garlic clove into a mug of hot water OR pop the garlic clove into a mug of non-hot water and microwave it for 1 - 1.5 minutes. Let it sit for at least 5 minutes.

3. If you don't have time to let it come to a reasonable temperature, pop an ice cube into the concoction and stir until it dissolves. Or you can just let it cool off on its own.

4. Discard the garlic clove. If you like, add some honey or a squeeze of lemon and stir. If not, don't.

5. Drink it all as quickly as you can.

6. Brush your teeth. (Or at least pop a mint.)

Repeat up to 4 times a day, like you might with Airborne or Emergen-C. Way cheaper than either of those options.


And then there's the mid-day, "I just came home sick from work" Lunchtime Method...

Heat up a pot of chicken or miso broth and load it up with LOTS of sliced garlic. If this is all you have, you can stop there, but I will generally chop and throw in any veggies or noodles/rice I have on hand. (Carrots are particularly good. Let those cook a good long time until they're soft. And at the last second, a handful of spinach leaves is also a good touch; cook just until they're wilted.)

Serve up a cup, add in a healthy squeeze of sriracha hot sauce (as much as you can handle) and mix it in until your soup is a nice shade of orange.

Have a big glass of water, a glass of orange juice, and a box of tissues nearby. Eat the soup, utilizing as much of the water, OJ, and tissues as needed. (That soup should make your nose run like crazy.)

Once the soup is gone, take a nap. You should feel a good deal better when you wake up.

Damn you, meat pies!

I adore meat pies. Yes, sweet pies are great, but I could eat a savory pie every day for the rest of my life and never come close to getting sick of it.



This is the last remaining meat pie from the batch I made this weekend. It's not the prettiest of the batch -- it's merely the last pie standing.

"Dana, why didn't you take a nicer picture of one of the better-looking pies right after you made them?"

I have several answers to this question...

1. I had company.
2. I was in the middle of a Harry Potter Movie Marathon.
3. I was terribly hungry.
4. I forgot.

I could continue, but those are the only reasons that really count.

The recipe was Frankensteined from this wildly wonderful meat pie recipe, plus my taste buds, my laziness, and a bit of influence from the tastes and dietary restrictions of my guests.

The Amazing Disappearing Mini Meat Pies

Crust

1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour

1 cup cold butter

Pinch of salt

1 tbsp cold water

2 eggs

1 tsp white vinegar

Filling

1 smallish potato
1/2 onion, finely diced

2 stalks celery, finely diced

2 cloves garlic, chopped

1 lb lean ground beef

Olive oil

Sea salt

Freshly ground black pepper

4 sprigs fresh rosemary

4 sprigs fresh thyme

3 tbsp. tomato paste

1 cup beef broth

1 tbsp. miso paste

Handful of grated parmigiano-reggiano

Crust

Mix the flour and salt in the large bowl. Cut the butter into small chunks, and cut the chunks into the flour mixture until it becomes crumbly. (I use a KitchenAid mixer and it does beautifully.) Beat 1 egg with the vinegar and water in a separate bowl or glass. Add the egg mixture to the dough and beat until mixture form a ball. Wrap in plastic and put in the refrigerator for at least 1 hour.

Filling

Cook potato in microwave and set aside. Place onion and celery into a large frying pan on a medium heat with 2 tbsp of olive oil. Pick the rosemary and thyme leaves off the woody stalks, finely chop them, and add to the pan. Add a pinch of salt and pepper. Fry and stir for 10 minutes. Put the vegetable mixture into a large bowl.

Place garlic into a large frying pan on a high heat with 1 tbsp of olive oil. Fry and stir for a few minutes, add the ground beef, a pinch of salt and pepper. When the ground beef becomes brown, add the tomato paste, beef broth and miso paste. Lower the heat, simmer for 15 minutes until most of the liquid has reduced. Turn the stove off. Mix in grated Parmesan until it disappears. Add the vegetable mixture into the beef mixture and mix well. Scoop out potato flesh, and mix into filling, roughly mashing the potato bits but allowing some chunks to remain. Allow to cool; add salt and pepper to taste if needed.

Preheat the oven to 375°F. Roll out dough thinly and cut into rounds about 4 inches in diameter (working in batches as needed). Have a small glass of water handy and beat remaining egg in another glass or bowl. Using your hands, form meat into small puck-type shapes about an inch smaller in diameter than your dough rounds. Lay a puck on a round of dough, dip your finger in the water and wet the edge of the dough, then place another circle of dough on top. Pinch and seal the edges. Lay mini pie on a greased baking sheet and repeat with the rest of the pies. (You might have leftover filling, which is OK because it tastes great alone.) Brush the tops of the pie with beaten egg, slit the tops of the pies to vent, and pop em in the oven. Bake until golden, about 25 - 30 minutes (depending on whether your oven sucks like mine).

Makes 10 mini pies.