Friday, June 6, 2008

Somebody get me a toothbrush STAT!

I am a huge proponent of online TV, especially since I moved away from the comfort of cable and Tivo. This is my new security blanket because I can't remember when anything is on to save my life. My favorite TV show always starts at least 15 minutes after I think to turn it on. Plus, with my boring, do-nothing job, it's good to be able to re-allocate my TV watching to a time when I am forcedly immobile.

I nearly lost it today.

Now I understand that they sell ad space during the online streaming so that they can make money to spread around (whooo WGA!). HOWEVER, they show the same exact commercial each "break" for the entire show. I can usually cope with this. But when you're airing the same commercial, twice back-to-back per break, for a 2 hour program that occasionally glitches so that you have to go back and watch the commercial break AGAIN, you'll see that ad a good 40 times.

I just got done watching a program sponsored by Crest Pro Care, whose mission in life seems to be to make me terrified that I have gingivitis. To be fair, they had 2 ads they rotated but they were so similar that they were damn near identical to my simple mind. They had 2 good looking (but not so good looking that you question their intelligence) people playing dentists, warning that your toothpaste doesn't guard you against gingivitis, listing off a few vague symptoms which are enough to make me question my mouth after a couple airings. By 3/4 of the way through the show, my stomach acid was churning in fear that my teeth were silently rotting out of my head as my gums bled and receded until they no long support my teeth which just flop out of my festering mouth.

I think about how disgusting people are in this world and I figure that surely I, who try to keep my teeth clean, am not on the low end of the mouth-hygiene continuum. And even if it turns out that I DO have gingivitis, how bad can it be? Can't I mouthwash it away? Or floss it off or... something... OH MY GOD, I'm going to need dentures! They're all coming out, I know it! It's gingivitis, the silent killer. That's what they call it, right?

When I see certain commercials too many times, I start to worry that the universe is trying to tell me something. Like if I see too many pregnancy test commercials, I become verrrrry concerned. A whole lot of Jenny Craig ads make me second-guess the In-N-Out burger I was planning to ingest. Multiple viewings of girls riding bicycles and hawking Valtrex leaves me staring at everybody I know with nothing but suspicion. So maybe someone out there is dropping me hints, like "I know that you've been saying that your gums bleed when you brush because of your new toothbrush, but really. You've had the thing for 3 months now. Pick up some floss. Throw in a bottle of Listerine, just for me."

Is this some new paranoia-marketing technique?

If so, it's fucking working, because I'm getting my ass over to Rite-Aid toute suite after work.
*rocks back and forth in chair*
Prevention is the best medicine. Prevention is the best medicine.

It's good to see that I'm not the only one who puts myself through this shit.
natalie dee

Update 6/18!

Today's episode of Hell's Kitchen is brought to you by Monistat.

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