I've been having one of those days.
Well, I've been having a few of them.
(You know how days are. Always coming one after the other. Shut up, Dana. Get to the point.)
I've been thinking about what I want. You know? Every now and then, you've got to step back, review the situation (thank you, Fagin), and ask yourself "Am I on the right track to get where I want to be?" And every time, I inevitably end up saying, "No, probably not." That's probably what leads me to ask the damn question in the first place, because I know what the answer is already.
I have a really cool job. It's very neat and very fun and I like it more than I've ever liked any other paying job I've ever had. Except, of course, for that one show I got paid to act in and that one day I spent recording for World of Warcraft. Of course. Sure, one of those jobs lasted a whole 2 hours and the other about a month... but that's not the point. I was finally being paid to do what I REALLY wanted to do. You know, like if someone asked me, "If you could do any job in the world...", I wouldn't even have to let them finish the statement. I'd say, "I would like to be able to make a living as an actor."
So, I started thinking recently. I think it's partly because I've been actually working on a show for the first time since September (it was a cold, hard Fall and Winter) and it's snapped me out of my complacent, go-with-the-flow, take-what-you-get frame of mind. I've been stagnant. I need to get myself back into shape in terms of making the time/effort to audition and not worry all the time about work. "It will all work out." I've got to remember that. Just today, I was thinking about something my buddy Brian used to say: if you're feeling down and shitty, if you say "erry-tins gonnabe arry", out loud and in that horrible fake Jamaican accent, you can't help but smile and believe it a little.
Anyhow, I sat down at my computer, feeling a little bogged down by everything that I want and want to accomplish. All of a sudden, this flashed through my head:
If you believe in yourself enough
And know what you want
You're gonna make it happen
Make it happen
Dude, I haven't heard that song forever.
But, you know, she's right.
My boss said once that she knows that my current job is not what I want for a career. (She said this in a totally cool and accepting way, though.) I need to remind myself of that every now and then. And I've always kept myself in the "don't get your hopes up" frame of mind... but what does that accomplish? You don't hope or aspire to anything, so you don't try too hard to get what you want. I recently came across an audition posting for a show I'd love to go and read for. It's pretty out of my league and the chances are turbo-slim that I'll even get called in, but even still, I'm doing the leg-work just in case. And hell, even if I never hear from them, I'll still have brushed up my Irish accent and read a new play. So even though THAT one may not come through, I'll be more prepared in the future.
I may not have a ton of money to take a ton of classes, but the world is PACKED with knowledge. I've just gotta tap in.